I a big boy too

– Posted in: family business, motherhood, oscar, parenting


BIG BOYS! Time for baths! Or showers. Whichever. Leo and Gus, you’re up. Boys let’s go! 

I leaned against the opening to the bathroom. And waited. But there was no movement as far as I could tell. No feet on the hardwood heading my way. Neither boy had stirred. BOYS! I sighed. I didn’t want to be yelling. Lord knows this house is small enough. I shouldn’t have to yell.

And yet someone was close by. I felt a tug on the hem of my shirt. Yank. Yank.

One more yank. One more yank. One more yaaaaaank.

I looked down. I looked around my belly.

There was Oscar with his blue, blues staring and holding his mouth in a sad, straight way.

I a big boy too he said.

I a big boy too. For goodness sake those words disappeared into my head and I let them wreck me some.

Oh Ozzie. You’re big. You are big. You’re not big. You’re not big at all. You’re my baby. You want me to lump you in with your brothers? You’re my baby.

But I told him You’re big! You are. You’re getting bigger. I picked him up and perched him on my bump in front. Took the opportunity to remind him that soon enough he’d be trying out new things (psssst like the potty. dude the potty is so cool. wanna try it? huh? huh? huh?) and getting bigger and bigger. Just like his brothers.

I think he believed me. At least I got him giggling. No more somber eyes.

Did I believe me though?



Every day that passes, Cupcake becomes a little bit realer to me. For as much as I’ve prepared and continue to prepare for birth, I know there’ll come a moment when I’ll be in the pool, squatting, sinking down into time and space and everything, willingly losing myself contraction after contraction–and when I come to the surface in between I’ll have that thought: I’m really doing this again. Another human is coming…out.

Of me.

And in those next few birth-filled moments every dynamic my family knows will change. Especially for Oscar. His baby status will be gone and gone forever. Instantly he’ll loom giant-like and hulking next to that itty newborn.

So yes, Oscar’s right in a way. He is acting big(ger) these days.  He’s articulate. He’s got ‘tude. He plays games. He hangs out with his sibs over me when they’re home. I mean he IS two and a half and I know yesthathalfcounts. Mostly I’m amused that at two and a half he’s cluing ME in to the changes going on.


It’s me who’s left standing, leaning against the opening to the bathroom wondering why doesn’t real become REAL until it’s REALLY REAL? Me picking up discarded clothing and wet towels and embracing and begrudging change all at once.

Wondering how in the world Oscar’s readier for real than I am.


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I'm a mom of five, wife to one, life-long Louisvillian. Six years ago I put down the key to my middle school classroom and picked up a camera instead. Now a pro photographer, writer and activist, I blog to share with you those passions and to spread good feelings through the words and pictures you find here.

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8 Comments… add one

April 11, 2014, 5:37 am

That’s because he IS a big boy.
When the baby is soon to be not THE baby, sigh. Allthefeelings.
Alison recently posted…Through The Lens Thursday #15: BooksMy Profile

April 12, 2014, 2:15 am

They seem so ready to jump into things head first while we sit back wanting to ease them. They’re so eager.
Growing so fast at the same time.
Leighann recently posted…The Girl is 4My Profile

April 12, 2014, 11:40 pm

I wish I had an answer, but I’m looking for that same answer myself – like why the heck my daughter drives our huge truck fearlessly and I’m not ready for it…
I think we did something right as moms if they are ready before we are :)
Kerstin recently posted…Auer Life 2012My Profile

Kim April 13, 2014, 12:59 pm

I think that I am always a little less ready for change than the rest of my family. I tend to hang on a little. Maybe it is routine or some fear, maybe both. So often I find myself saying, “Oh. I guess so. We’re here now, aren’t we?” It always seems to take me by surprise, just a little.
Kim recently posted…SupermomMy Profile

David Ryan April 20, 2014, 5:34 am

Awww. Oscar is such an adorable kid. Reminds me of my younger self. LOL
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Andrea April 23, 2014, 10:28 pm

“I a big boy too. For goodness sake those words disappeared into my head and I let them wreck me some.”

OH my goodness. These words wrecked me some. Funny how our kids – all kids – know all the lessons we need before we know we need them.

Kristin Shaw
April 24, 2014, 5:50 am

Oh, those words wreck me too! My big boy is getting bigger every day, and I hold and carry him as much as he wants, because it won’t be long before he won’t want me to.
Kristin Shaw recently posted…Brave: Hearts, MendedMy Profile

April 25, 2014, 9:24 pm

Sigh. Big boys grow up too fast. We can still call them “the baby”, yes?
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